Rule 18 Think yourself happy

We all know people whose default setting is cheerful. It's not We their lives are any better on paper than anyone else. is about their attitude. Indeed it you go to some of the poorest or most war-ravaged places in the world, you'll still be able to find people who are positive despite everything. If they can do it, why can't we?

The answer to this is that being positive is not about our circumstances, it's about the way we think. Of course, the most positive people have moments when they don't feel very cheerful, but they still cope better than they would without their positive attitude. I've seen several elderly people lose their husbands or wives after decades of marriage, which is always horribly sad to see, and almost as traumatic for them as anything they could imagine. You would understand if they fell into a deep depression from which they never emerged. Indeed some of them quite understandably do this.

It's edifying to see how the rest of them avoid spending the rest of their lives in misery. And the answer lies in the way they choose to think. They have their miserable, weepy moments, of course, they do - lots of them in the early days. But then they tell themselves how lucky they are. They remind themselves how long they had with their partner, the wonderful children they produced together, and the great times they had. And it's that mindset that enables them to face life alone.

What you think affects how you feel. It might not seem like it at first, but these positive thoughts are a kind of affirmation and over time your feelings will adapt to them. Keep looking for the positive, always see the glass as half full, find the silver lining, and focus on that. No one is pretending the glass doesn't have an empty hall, we know it’s there, but you don’t have to dwell on it.

That means no self-pity. Yep, self-pity is all about the empty half of the glass and, if you keep thinking about that of course you'll feel bad. I know it's tempting to dwell on the negative, whether you've lost your lifetime partner or just feel a bit under the weather. But as soon as you give in to it, you've allowed the half-empty glass to dominate and you'll have to work even harder to refocus on the positive.

People who don't do self-pity are happier than people who do. It's as simple as that. Which camp do you want to be in?

I'm not suggesting you should never allow yourself to be upset about anything. Wouldn't that be lovely? But it's unrealistic. The idea is not to go into denial about what you're going through and refuse to acknowledge your negative feelings. That wouldn't be healthy. You need to acknowledge them, give yourself permission to feel upset or angry or miserable, and then consider the reasons to be positive: It's frustrating to be short of money, but at least I have enough for the rent? Not easy when life is tough, but this is about what works, not what's fair or easy.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T DO SELF-PITY ARE HAPPIER THAN PEOPLE WHO DO